Teen Girl Squad
Teen Girl Squad is a comedic feature showcased on the
Homestar Runner web site.
The feature is a crudely drawn comic illustrated by the website's central figure,
Strong Bad. The voices are done by Strong Bad in a strained falsetto. At the very end of each episode, Strong Bad, out of teen girl character, tells the audience that "
It's over!"
The Characters
The characters are basic high school clichés: four friends who strive to be popular and gain the acceptance of boys, at any cost.
Cheerleader is the most popular member of the group. She usually wears clothing labeled with phrases such as "Diva" and "Boys Please". We are led to believe that this popularity is just in her head, though, as she has very little luck getting football players to notice her.
So-and-So is second on the proverbial totem pole. We are led to believe that she is very outgoing, although this does not translate into popularity. In fact, the only guy who has noticed her, Brett Bretterson, is a boy she made up in first grade.
She was the only member of the group to have a boy notice her, although it ended tragically when a van with the sound effect "Children!" ran over her new beau.
We know the most personal information about So-and-So than we do about anyone else in the group. In the very first comic strip, Cheerleader informed her that she looked "burnt, or dead" after she got voiped by a laser-beam; she referred to her as Kristen.
What's Her Face is the least popular member of the group. The girls aren't subtle in telling her this. They have excluded her from an excursion to the mall, and left her at home while they went to the beach for spring vacation. They wrote her a postcard; they said they would have called her, but they forgot. Her most notable physical feature is that she dresses in baggy pants and has stringy hair, reminiscient of early Avril Lavigne.
The Ugly One dresses frumpily, with nondescript frills at the end of her dress. She also perms her hair and wears '60s-retro grandma glasses. We are led to believe that she has a problem with hygiene, and that her clothes make her look very unhip. She is ahead of What's Her Face in terms of popularity but not by much.
The Episodes
There have been five episodes of Teen Girl Squad that have been posted on Homestar Runner.
Episode One
The episode starts with titles. The following words ran next to each character's picture.
- Cheerleader: Cheer!\n*So-and-So: Fashion Sense!\n*What's Her Face: Unpopular! \n*The Ugly One: Hygiene?
Cheerleader tells the group that they should get ready to "look so good!" The group answers with "word" all around. She peps up the group one more time with, "Okay, now let's start looking good!" All three respond with "a'ight."
Out of nowhere, So-and-So gets "voiped". Cheerleader informs So-and-So that [Kristen] looks burnt, or dead. As they walk off, What's Her Face says in a light tone, "I miss Kristi...na."
The Ugly One announces, "I have a crush on every boy!" A mysterious man shoots arrows out of his mouth; they all hit The Ugly One, as the sound effect informs the audience that she has been "arrowed!" The Ugly One responds with, "Ow, my skin!"
A monster punts What's Her Face far away; she responds with "Dag, yo."
At the end of the comic, Cheerleader is standing on top of the site where the three girls are buried. She announces, "I look so good!"
Episode Two
- Cheerleader: Growth Spurt!\n*So-and-So: School Spirit!\n*What's Her Face: Pity Friend!\n*The Ugly One: Psoriasis!
Cheerleader starts by asking the girls how they're looking. So-and-So and The Ugly One answer with "So good!" What's Her Face answers with "Okay!" but quickly covers up with, "I mean, so good!"
Cheerleader shows the other girls a magazine (called Le Girl) with more hot tips, and suggests that they get started!
The girls run into a dumb jock, who assumes that they must be girls. What's Her Face believes she might have a chance with this guy, until Thomas, the resident alien, bashes her legs with a baseball bat. The jock asks her what happened, while So-and-So answers that What's Her Face got hurt (although the bubble actually says "Thomas hit her with a bat"). The jock suggests that him and So-and-So should date. She responds, "I'm down."
Two vultures grab the remaining girls, to sound effects of "swoop!" and "grasped!"
So-and-So informs the audience that she is "totally crushing," while the mysterious man drives a van into the dumb jock, to the sound effect of the word "children!" being yelled. So-and-So is shocked, and even more so when the vultures bring the two remaining girls back to earth. "Where were you guys?" she asked. The girls responded with, "We got jealous." So-and-So announces that they should go get yogurt! While eating yogurt outside TCYBCBY, The Ugly One announces that she got jimmies.
Episode Three
- Cheerleader: Boy Crazy!\n*So-and-So: Math Crazy!\n*What's Her Face: Whatev!\n*The Ugly One: Actually Crazy
Cheerleader informs the group that if they want to look so good, then they have to go get some new summer fashions! So-and-So responds, "I am so there." Cheerleader tells the group that everyone can go to the mall with her except for What's Her Face, who can go to the thrift store, or junkyard.
Before they go, So-and-So wants to have some Pan-Asian cuisine! The Ugly One requests three spring rolls, but the waiter is the mysterious man and poisoned spring rolls fly out of his mouth, striking her down to the sound effect of "MSG'd!" The Ugly One complains, "Ow! My stomach lining!" Cheerleader says that they'll worry about that one later.
Cut to the thrift store. What's Her Face remarks that these clothes smell like grandmas.
Cheerleader tries on a dress that looks like a rug, and asks the girls if they think the outfit is "so good" or "no good." The girls respond enthusiastically, "So good!" The Ugly One informs everyone that her stomach feels better. Cheerleader then tries on an elephant mask, telling the girls that she's going for a whole new style. The girls reject it with a resounding "No good!" Cheerleader thinks it's hella tight, and that the other girls need boyfriends. They sadly agree.
What's Her Face remarks that she is walking home from the thrift store as she is doing so. A possum stops her in her tracks, complete with "Possssssums!" sound effect.
Cheerleader has bought the elephant mask, and announces that her card is totally maxorzed! The girls chime in with, "True that." What's Her Face announces to the group that she met a possum.
Now it's time to attract some cute boys! As the girls "pose," What's Her Face is being bitten by her possum; she remarks "My blood hurts."
Strong Bad sings the end theme song for this episode. It is, in its entirety:
Teen Girl Squad: The teenage girls between the ages of thirteen and nineteen.
Episode Four
- Cheerleader: Cool Parents!\n*So-and-So: Student Council!\n*What's Her Face: Shoplifting?\n*The Ugly One: Prepaid Lunch!
Cheerleader is bummed that school is happening again this year. Her comrades respond with, "So good!" She's a bit disgusted, and responds with, "Y'all are so wack." The Ugly One asks, "Wiggidy-wack?" Cheerleader clarifies with, "Nope, just regular type."
So-and-So disagrees. She sat next to Brett Bretterson in math and he asked to study with her at lunch! She's in love! Cheerleader informs her that she made up Brett Bretterson in first grade; he's not real.
So-and-So strikes up a conversation with the invisible Brett. She thanks him for his compliment and tells him that he's filled out nicely, too. What's Her Face is weirded out!
So-and-So leaves with imaginary Brett, ostensibly to go to lunch. On the way, she falls in the Fighting Growlbacks Bottomless Spirit Pit. As she falls, she yells, "Go Growlbacks!" What's Her Face remarks that when you fall in a bottomless pit, you die of starvation.
Cheerleader distracts everyone by remarking that the quarterback is by his locker, and she is going to see if he has any plans for dating her. She then asks the other girls if her "unda-wears" are showing. The Ugly One responds, "Yes, ma'am."
"Grood," Cheerleader responds. "I mean, good. And great. Great and good." She runs off to talk to the quarterback. The Ugly One laughs, "Tee hee." What's Her Face says, "We're cool." A sack of potatoes and an anvil flatten them, respectively, as sound effects and writing on said anvil and sack of potatoes indicate that "No, [they're] not!"
Cheerleader asks the quarterback, "Hows about you and me?" The dumb quarterback responds with, "Hows about you get some brains?" The mysterious man flattens the quarterback and kills the girl with a massive brain. She has been "Cerebellum'd!"
Meanwhile, at the spirit pit, So-and-So yells for some Lunchables, or maybe a juice box. She then coos, "I love you too, Brett."
Episode Five
- Cheerleader: Two-Piece!\n*So-and-So: One-Piece!\n*What's Her Face: Same Clothes\n*The Ugly One: Three-Piece?!!
The episode begins with What's Her Face at her mailbox, telling the audience that she got a postcard. She flips it over, and it says:
Dear The One With Baggy Pants,
We're on Spring Break! We tried to call you, but we forgot. We are having WAY too much fun, and we'll try to remember to bring you a shell or some sand.
Signed, The Other Girls.
(What's Her Face received the postcard from A Beach and her address is 412 S. Figgis, Mundelow 80808.)
She remarks that the other side has birds on it. Her mailbox promptly eats the card.
The other three girls are on vacation! So-and-So says it's like the fun never ends! Cheerleader suggests that they put their stuff down by "them olda boys."
Cut to a spiky-haired college guy and a somewhat long-haired college guy. Their cooler is filled with "college drinks". The spiky-haired guy says he misses video games. The long-haired guy misses his mom.
So-and-So hopes they play sports! The Ugly One is too nervous; she sticks her head in the sand. A bird perches onto her midriff. She comments that her lungs are filling up with sand and cigarette butts.
Cheerleader asks the boys if their spot on the beach is taken. She says they're in college, while at the same time, So-and-So says they're in eighth grade! The boys laugh, and an angry Cheerleader punts So-and-So away. So-and-So complains, "Ow, my hopes of reaching first base!"
Cheerleader explains away So-and-So as her sister who's at least five years younger than her; she's never kissed a boy. The spiky-haired college guy says that the two look the same age. Angry, Cheerleader yells, "I'm at least five years older and in college!" Cheerleader has her torso ripped from the rest of her body when the mysterious man runs into her with his boat, the S.S. Inevitable. The long-haired college guy says that he's going to miss her. The spiky-haired college guy will miss video games.
The Ugly One hopes nobody cool or famous is staring at her. Henry Rollins, George Washington, and Abraham Lincoln are staring. George Washington tells the other two to "look at that girl." So-and-So tells the group that The Ugly One is her friend, but not her best. She then asks the wrestler and the presidents to tandem parasail with her! The three respond with "w00t" all around.
It's Almost Over!
What's Her Face, at the skate park, asks Thomas to do an indy nosebone. As he does so, So-and-So and the celebrities glide by on a parasail; she yells, "Soooooo good!" What's Her Face thinks her friend and some presidents just flew by. Thomas does a Late 360 Shove It To Boneless...'d! She says, "Sweet moves, Thomas."
Now it's over!
\nCategory:Homestar Runner
